The Coyote Rally Route

For those who have been asking - assuming we get

a) Off Ray's driveway

b) Down the Motorway

c) Into another country

the planned route is:

Calais to Paris on day 1

Paris to Munich on day 2

Munich to Prague on day 3

Prague to Amsterdam on day 4

Following this there will be some cultural and reflective time spent on the floor of a bar in Amsterdam and underneath a table in Brussels, before a final triumphant return to London where due to the fairly shoddy nature of connecting services going north and a serious lack of funds, I will probably be enjoying the hospitality of some of our capital's finest park benches.

Due to the extremely clever nature of the internet, you can see our entire planned route right here on Google maps. If you are planning to use this information to kidnap/rob us please note: The Byron-esque geezer and the Baddiel look-a-like are stinking rich but the scruffy man in the indie band t-shirt is skint and would make a very, very annoying hostage.

Create your own Jackson Pollock Rover

Step One: One drunk man and one slightly drunk man should purchase a potentially shonky Rover 620 for £310 off Ebay, while actually trying to get a Mercedes.

Step Two: The two men should get themselves to a pub quickly and laugh in a nervous fashion.

Step Three: The two men, now sober should go and fetch said Rover 620 from a location near Bristol. Under no account should the car be checked for any mechanical defects whatsoever - just as long as the indicators work and the stereo sounds good.

Step Four: Of the two, the man who hasn't driven anything more complicated than a mountain bike in the last year should be given the keys and instructed to drive it home despite the fact that he hasn't really got a fucking clue where he is going, or how an automatic car works.

Step Five: The car should be tested as to the sellers claims that it will "do well over 90 on the motorway".

Step Six: The car should be carefully parked and laughed at derisively by the driver.

Step 7: A third, practical man should ask the other two questions such as:

a) "Did you check the engine at all?"

b) "Why not? You complete idiots."

c) "Have you noticed the steam coming out of the radiator?"

Step 8: An in depth analysis of the workings of the motor should be carried out, while attempting to ignore the rantings of the local homeless community.

Step 9: The vehicle should be taken to a secure location, say, an office car park on a bank holiday weekend and parked well away from the CCTV camera. The car should then be prepared for modification by only the most skilled and hardworking technicians - attention to detail is a must at this critical stage.


Step 10: The car should be daubed with all manner of carefully chosen high grade art materials, in a thoughtful, expressive - but above all meaningful manner. Failing that you could just pelt it with a load of dodgy gloss paint, using brushes and sticks that you have nicked out of a dead man's shed. Once dry the car shold be paraded to the adoring masses of your chosen locale. Remember: someone shouting "Sort it out - you fucking wankers" is probably just an expression of existential angst or repressed sexual ambiguity.